DAY 010: All Day I Dream About Stupid-acronyms【DADBOD.REHAB】 If not, that’s fine! We didn’t either. We’re doing this soft-ass, easy-peasy, slow-starting fitness program right alongside you.
But maybe you actually did. Let’s review your tasks from DAY 009 in the B.R.A.I.N. to find out.
🤖💩 NOTE: we were planning to make this an interactive thing, but the AI we bought to code it for us (based on our vague google powerpoint slides as input) turned out to be a Chinese knockoff AI that was gonna send your deets to the Chinese Communist Party, who was then prolly finna sell ‘em to Russia so they could profile you and try to hack your phone (to trick you into voting for Trump). So while we train our red-white-and-blue, union-made in the U.S.A., dadbod-annihilating, terminator-ass AI from the ground up, for the moment we’re just feedin’ you nothin’ but bullets ‘n’ dirty rubbers HTML 1.0 tables, like a gangsta rapper from ‘96 (who was secretly a nerd with a 28.8Kbps modem). Sorry for the inconvenience, but… you know what, it’s actually fine, fuck it.
Double check your checklist from yesterday in the B.R.A.I.N., and answer the following. (You don’t have to read the part of the table that doesn’t apply to your answer — but feel free to if you want extra reading practice.)
Did you write down everything you ate, before you ate it? | |
|---|---|
| ✔ YES | ❌ NO |
| Nice!! | 🤨 OK, you’ll need to work on this. Failing this repeatedly will block your progression through the program. For now, we let it slide, because it is expected to take a few days to really remember every time. Then it should become automatic. (Hint: we’re going to introduce some convenience mechanisms later to make this easier, but we’ve found they don’t work as well when introduced up front. So just try it the shitty way first: keep a pen in your pocket and write it down before you eat drink anything. If you must, though, you can use your phone’s note-taking app. The only invariant here is “BEFORE you eat”.) |
Did you write down all the exercise/workouts you did, BEFORE you did it? | |
|---|---|
| ✔ YES | ❌ NO |
| Sick!! | 🙅♀️ STOP HERE and go back to DAY 009 and repeat it. Actually do the tasks, then come back here tomorrow. |
Did you cross off or check all the exercise you did when you were done (and only, obviously, if you really did it)? | |
|---|---|
| ✔ YES | ❌ NO |
| Woah!! | 🙅♀️ STOP HERE and go back to DAY 009 and repeat it. Actually do the tasks, then come back here tomorrow. This is literally the easiest task in DADBOD.REHAB — if you can’t handle it, you’re not ready. |
Did you write down all the exercise you can remember doing in the past week? | |
|---|---|
| ✔ YES | ❌ NO |
| Dude!! | 🙅♀️ STOP HERE and go back to DAY 009 and repeat it. Actually do the tasks, then come back here tomorrow. We want you to think about how much physical activity you’ve been getting recently, before we get to the goal-setting part of the DADBOD.REHAB program intro. Otherwise, you’re likely to have unrealistic expectations, set the bar too high, fail, wash out of the program, and live out your days regretting the way you lazily pissed away what might have been. |
God damn, son! You’re still here! That means you didn’t wash out yet.
OK, what you have just done is Review Every Vaguely Important Exercise or Workout, or R.E.V.I.E.W. for short (and stupid). This is a key part of the DADBOD.REHAB program. Just like with the food shit, it’s about building continuous awareness of your athleticism — or lack thereof, as the case might currently be, given that you are here.
It’s fine — that’ll change, if you complete this program. But that change requires a mindset change, where sufficient exercise becomes an automatic thing, like a dog licking its balls. The way we achieve that mindset change is building continuous awareness of your daily, increasingly challenging feats of athleticism, along with the increasingly strong and fit body you are inhabiting and using to perform them.
And the way to do that is to use simple tools with stupid acronyms, like R.E.V.I.E.W., which you really just can’t actually complete without being aware of what you’ve done (or not).
Through R.E.V.I.E.W. and D.I.C.K. we build awareness of los dos cojones of DADBOD.REHAB: ingestion and exercise.
In the remaining cush days of this two-week “gentle intro so they don’t give up” period, we are going to talk about your goal state — how fit do you want to be? That answer isn’t simple, though, because we’re not asking how fit you want to be magically, without effort — how hard this program is depends entirely on that answer.
We’ll probably advise you to just shoot for “I dunno, pretty fit?” instead of “hella fuckin’ fit!!!!” because a.) the second option is hella hard, and b.) you can get pretty fit first, and then if you still wanna get hella fit, you can, only it isn’t nearly as hard when you are coming from pretty fit, as opposed to pretty fat.
OTOH though, some people do thrive with the “all-or-nothing, zero-to-hero” approach.
The great thing about DADBOD.REHAB is you can just try it and see. You know if it is working or not, because we measure it continuously. You know if you are doing the program properly, because we confirm it as we go, and bust your ass back to repeat earlier phases if you don’t.
So you can decide to just go balls to the wall, of you want. But probably “pretty fit” is a good starting goal.
To make an informed decision about your goal, you need to get your baseline. There are a ton of ways to do this, and we’ll let you choose, but we are going to ask you to figure out what your max reps are on some common no-equipment bodyweight exercises.
Then we will R.E.V.I.E.W. how you did, and lay out how hard you can reasonably expect each level of dadbod rehabilitation to be.
We won’t do this today, we’ll do it on DAY 012. We’re telling you in advance because you can expect to be sore the next day. When was the last time you were actually sore?
There is no homework today. No extra tasks. However, it goes without saying that from now on, every day, you need to take care of your D.I.C.K., and then R.E.V.I.E.W.
Even if you don’t work out, you R.E.V.I.E.W. that — record it as “no exercise”, or “did jack shit” if you prefer. As far as your D.I.C.K. is concerned, record everything you eat, and everything you drink that is more than 25 kcal. For now, you can do it in the B.R.A.I.N.. We’ll introduce better tools for both processes later in the program — if you make it that far.
NOTE: Both processes have a “before” and “after” component to them. The “after” part is up to you — some people do it at the end of every day (remember, it takes only a few seconds for each, once you make it a semi-autonmous habit — you can literally do it while brushing your teeth if you want). Other people do it the next day, e.g. as part of their morning coffee routine, or whatever. Either is fine, as long as it gets done daily.
See you tomorrow!